Hey Kiddies! I was recently (like… a two hours ago) reprimanded for not updating this site. Part of my hiatus is simply being too busy. Some is blatant negligence. Some is guilt for abandoning another, far more significant project simply because I’m not sure how much it applies to me. I feel pretty awful about that last bit.

I wanted to do a support group website. I even got it up, running, and hosted. It is just sitting on the internet at the moment. It was designed for maximum user connectedness (unlike this site, which is mostly just me rambling). Then the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been kicking around ways to retool the site… but I feel like I’ve become disconnected from what seemed a divinely inspired purpose. Some would argue I’m still “sick.” Some have argued that I’m mentally ill. Possible. My symptoms have gone down, back to pre-October levels. Now I have a few fits a day instead of constant fits. A mixed blessing. I’m more socially acceptable (people feel less awkward around someone who doesn’t shake and seem like she’s hiccupping or sneezing constantly), but my purpose is lacking. Who wants a support site run by someone who cannot relate? I don’t know if I can anymore.

I have to take the CAPP test on Saturday. If I were smart, I’d be studying right now. As I have proven over and over again, I’m not smart. I only have to take the math portion. Unfortunately, math is (and always has been) my worst subject. If I don’t pass, I don’t graduate. That isn’t exactly true. If I don’t pass, I have to take it again until I pass and can graduate. Another $30 is what that amounts to (assuming I pass the second time). Basically I have to do something I hate so that I can do something I dread.

I don’t understand why it is so hard for people to wrap their heads around the idea that I do not want to graduate. I don’t. Thinking about it makes me feel sick and my eyes well up. I finally find a place where I’m happy. I’ve never had the support that I have here anywhere else. May 15th it is all over.

M-Ray has intentions of leaving the country after she graduates... for a reasonable period of time. [read: years.] She wants to go skydiving for her 21st. I don’t know where I’ll be. My dad made some comment when I was home for Christmas that he wanted me to get a job nearby and for Miranda to live nearby too. I cried.

Jack (quite possibly the only person who reads this… unless Aer still does) wants to send me his great literary works for review after I’m gone. To tell him if they are “crap,” he says. My only problem is that, having read bits of his work before, I know there will be very little crap. Minor polishing will be the best I can suggest. Little crap yields little correspondence. Perhaps I’ll get a signed copy of one of his masterpieces.

As of now, I see Harm once a week. We don’t get a lot of time to talk. Brooks commented that it always seems like Harm and I haven’t seen each other in a long time. It feels like it.

And then there’s Brooks, and GSB89, and half a dozen other meaningful people. I have no ties. None. I mean, I have no siblings, no significant other, no other family nearby. I have no reason to come back here. Once I walk across that stage, they won’t even want me anymore. I’ll be homeless and alone on that big wonderful adventure that is life after graduation. I can come back to visit… but considering the way I travel and life likes to move me, that probably means a two day trip by car.

So I had a voicemail on my cell a bit ago. It went something like this:

Hello. Your resume was sent to us and we believe that we have a place for you in our company. Please call us at 1-800-555-5555 to schedule an interview this week.

No company name. No job description. This is the crap I keep getting from insurance/financial companies. I actually got an email asking me to forward it to anyone else who might be interested in working for their company.

I am trained pretty specifically. I made sure that when I graduated I would be set to actually do public relations. I’ve got experience. I know programs that some people haven’t even heard of. I can design things. Call people. Write press releases and invitations… and all I get are phone calls from people who want me to sell things. And I was hoping that I’d get to work for some nonprofit and do glorious things for humanity. Guess not.

I wonder what’s on TV.